Letters to my Loved Ones – Untitled

Previous: I’m scared for you

You left us on the 7th last month.

It’s weird because it still feels like I can go visit you, even though my head knows that I can’t. I spent so much time not admitting to myself that you where dying that now that it is all over I feel like it should have destroyed me. Why am I still getting on with things? Why am I still standing? I thought that your funeral was going to be when it hit me but that wasn’t the case. I’ve spent so much time putting on a strong face that it’s like I can’t allow myself to let go anymore and it just feels disrespectful that I haven’t broken down. I love you, so why, now that you’re gone, can I still carry on? It doesn’t make sense.

It’s not fair. You shouldn’t of had to go like that. Not like that.

You kept God close to you, especially in your last weeks. Me and God aren’t on good terms, not now. I know it was asking for a lot, but I still asked him to do something to help or make things easier; anything. It was my desperate plea. I never asked much from God over the years and you deserved it, so I had some faith. There was nothing though. The problem is  that, although I won’t forgive God, I can’t abandon Him completely now, because that would mean there would be no heaven, and I can’t believe that you’re not in heaven. I can’t have you just disappear. It doesn’t seem possible that you can’t be here anymore at all. It’s flawed logic, I know, but you can’t be gone completely, it’s not fair and it’s not right.

I miss the small things. The phone calls to check if we got home safe, the talks laying on your bed. There was less of them in the later days when the cancer got to your throat. I miss your stories, I miss the way you used to jump at films, I miss just being able to hug you.

How are you not still here??

I hope I make you proud. I hope I can be half the person you where, because if I am, I’d do so much good. And if I get up to heaven and find out that they didn’t let you in, I swear I’ll tear it down, because if it doesn’t let your good in, it’s not heaven.

I love you so much and always will.


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